I'll be interspersing my adventures in food with a few posts on my adventures in wedding planning. Mostly, it'll still be about food, mixed with tongue-in-cheek commentary on the ridiculous (and ridiculously expensive!) comings and goings of planning what the industry calls "MYYYYY DAAAAYYY". Like it's a national holiday or something.
It's only been a week or so, but D. and I are wading tentatively into the chaos known as wedding planning. Here's what I've learned so far from wedding websites:
- I'm engaged, therefore I'm supposed to morph into a super-girly, pink-loving, frill-adoring, squealy-OMG-he-loves-me, uber-party-planner. I missed the memo on that one.
- Feeding guests good food? Not as big of a priority as the dress or the flowers. That hurts me.
- Did you know that on the big day, the guests are supposed to be "gazing at me" the entire time? The entire time. Really. And there's not supposed to have anything to keep them from gazing at me. No, I'm serious... I read an article that said something like, "If you have a great cake, it'll be a focal point for guests when they're not gazing at you." What?! I want a party, not an audience.
- Brides plan weddings. Their partners are merely props. That's upsetting, because I don't want to do this shit by myself.
- Wedding pictures: some of my family, some of the wedding party, some of his family, and a whole lot more of me. I'm the most photogenically-challenged mo-fo on this planet. Hell, it's probably not even the camera... I just look that bad. I will be in enough pictures to prove that I was present on that day. Nothing more.
- I'm supposed to be happy all. of. the. time. I've worked 12-hour days for most of this week and worked through the weekend... that doesn't leave a lot of time for squealing and staring at the ring.
- We're supposed to plan a unique event and be ourselves. Bwahahaha! Right. All the photos I've seen look the same. Plus, the industry assumes all women are the same (see first bullet). It seems the only unique way to have a wedding is to not have one at all. Even the ones that take place on the bridge of the Enterprise (you can do it at the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek Experience) often feature someone wearing a white dress. Maybe I should ask Indira to dress up as a Klingon warrior. She can be Lursa. Kirkleton can be B'Etor.
- If I don't do all of this just right, I've failed as a female. Wait, I think I already did when I was six and was forced to wear a dress and makeup for the school's "fashion show". It was, arguably, one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.