Sunday, March 30, 2008

Moo Moment: Wedding Planning Snarkfest



I'll be interspersing my adventures in food with a few posts on my adventures in wedding planning. Mostly, it'll still be about food, mixed with tongue-in-cheek commentary on the ridiculous (and ridiculously expensive!) comings and goings of planning what the industry calls "MYYYYY DAAAAYYY". Like it's a national holiday or something.

It's only been a week or so, but D. and I are wading tentatively into the chaos known as wedding planning. Here's what I've learned so far from wedding websites:

  • I'm engaged, therefore I'm supposed to morph into a super-girly, pink-loving, frill-adoring, squealy-OMG-he-loves-me, uber-party-planner. I missed the memo on that one.
  • Feeding guests good food? Not as big of a priority as the dress or the flowers. That hurts me.
  • Did you know that on the big day, the guests are supposed to be "gazing at me" the entire time? The entire time. Really. And there's not supposed to have anything to keep them from gazing at me. No, I'm serious... I read an article that said something like, "If you have a great cake, it'll be a focal point for guests when they're not gazing at you." What?! I want a party, not an audience.
  • Brides plan weddings. Their partners are merely props. That's upsetting, because I don't want to do this shit by myself.
  • Wedding pictures: some of my family, some of the wedding party, some of his family, and a whole lot more of me. I'm the most photogenically-challenged mo-fo on this planet. Hell, it's probably not even the camera... I just look that bad. I will be in enough pictures to prove that I was present on that day. Nothing more.
  • I'm supposed to be happy all. of. the. time. I've worked 12-hour days for most of this week and worked through the weekend... that doesn't leave a lot of time for squealing and staring at the ring.
  • We're supposed to plan a unique event and be ourselves. Bwahahaha! Right. All the photos I've seen look the same. Plus, the industry assumes all women are the same (see first bullet). It seems the only unique way to have a wedding is to not have one at all. Even the ones that take place on the bridge of the Enterprise (you can do it at the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek Experience) often feature someone wearing a white dress. Maybe I should ask Indira to dress up as a Klingon warrior. She can be Lursa. Kirkleton can be B'Etor.
  • If I don't do all of this just right, I've failed as a female. Wait, I think I already did when I was six and was forced to wear a dress and makeup for the school's "fashion show". It was, arguably, one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.
I'm sure there will be some less bitchy posts, but I find myself laughing hysterically and being utterly dismayed at what I've seen so far.

9 bites:

Kim in the Kitchen said...

Some of wedding planning can be annoying and extremely cheesy (we had a guy ask us what our theme was and we just kind of looked at him and said, "uuuuh wedding?") But a lot of it is fun! I know you'll like the tastings...they give you free food and cake!!! D. should go with you to everything if you want him to. You are totally NOT on your own. Brett helped with every aspect and he enjoyed it! I even double checked right now and he really did :)

moowiesqrd said...

Hehe... he's is going to every appointment, no matter how boring or pointless. He's done a bit of legwork and he's the one leading the charge on finding a Balboa Park site. I was chatting with a super-nice events coordinator and I was asking about the availability was on mid-'09. She told me that brides were booking for that time around now, so I'm right on track. I'm sure that's the reality, but I was a little taken by "brides". Not "couples" or "people," but "brides".

A lot of the magazines and websites also suggest asking people for help. They suggest starting with your partner. Um, isn't that a given? Like, do I need to ask? D. gets no free passes. ;) I'm glad to hear Brett enjoyed the process.

On a side note, I did something scary. I subscribed to Lord Vader... er, Martha Stewart... Weddings. Talk about the dark side... I do like how she has a lot of cool DIY projects, though.

Kelly said...

I have to admit that I subscribed to Martha too. Her magazine is definitely the best of the ones out there. Even is she is completely psychotic for making her own wrapping paper.

That brides-do-the-work thing is ridiculous! Groom must help. End of story. :) I think Mike had fun with some of it. I think sometimes he was tortured by me, my mom, Kyle and Gary! jaja!

Kim- That is so funny that someone asked if you had a theme. What is the theme supposed to be? I don't get it!

Deborah Dowd said...

You should enjoy the prep and the wedding- make it however you want it to be and to hell with what is expected! Good luck!

Ben said...

Come on, a Klingon wedding would be AWESOME.

moowiesqrd said...

Kelly- Lord Vader does have her moments, esp. the aforementioned wrapping paper.

Deborah- I really hope I enjoy the whole process! Right now, it just seems a little frustrating and overwhelming. I've never been one for expectations, so hopefully I flout as many as possible!

Ben- Wouldn't it?! The ceremony would have to be done in Klingon, too. A la DS9's "You Are Cordially Invited," there would have to be a journey on the path to Kal'Hyah. :P Maybe our friends could attack us after it's over? Qa'pla!

Sharon said...

Wedding planning can get to be a bit much, especially once you realize how expensive everything is. My husband began to call the wedding industry the"evil empire." It's still a fun time, so enjoy it and don't worry about becoming a follower of Lord Vader :) Congrats again! If you need any recommendations, definitely let me know.

moowiesqrd said...

Thanks, Sharon! I might take you up on that! Did you have your wedding in SD? I love the picture on your profile. We're already crunching numbers and it's a painful reality, esp. since we also just compiled the guest list and the only response is, "How the hell do we know that many people?!" Now, we're starting to bicker over how to invite sig. others (esp. those we haven't met), since we can't afford to have everyone with a plus-one. While I plan on flouting as much of the Evil Empire as possible, etiquette is definitely something I'm terrified to mess up.

Sharon said...

Thanks! No, I had my wedding in our hometown though SD would be gorgeous, though pricey I'm sure! Where are you planning on getting married? All of those little details are stressful (invite list, seating chart, etc.) but will seriously all work out in the end. The day of your wedding, you won't even care or remember :) I felt bad about doing it, but with if our friends were single we didn't invite them with a plus one. We had a lot of younger guests, so it wasn't like they were single and sitting alone with a bunch of couples. Good luck & again, contact me if you ever need any advice or have questions (not implying that I'm a wedding guru :)

9 bites